Monday, July 30, 2007
today i was tired... so so so tired...
i felt myself slipping, feeling small, feeling very very little...
i think i ran away in time before i slipped more, before i embarrassed myself...
i treated myself to a VODA VODA... :D hahaha... just stood at the bus stop and stared and thought, how much am i a laughing stock? how stupid am i simply?
i thought about how much pre-empting i was doing, the things i were doing for the what-ifs... i still stay in church because "what if" one day my relationship with God improves? i don't want to be stuck churchless and stuff... i don't tell some people in the face to F off because "what if" one day i go back to church and become an upright christian again and then i'll have to turn around and say "i'm sorry"... i'm being such an idiot, my life is a twirl of loops and twists and i'm confusing myself...
i felt so so alone today, sitting in my corner in the mrt, i'm just in this state of loss... and i'm in this state cause, it's my fault, not God's fault, it will never be His fault cause he's perfect and i acknowledge that and ... yea it's my fault luh, what stupid thing am i talking about... just... i'm sick of it being my fault? i don't want there to be this thing in my life i just want to get it out...
it was fine, then i slipped, i know it, i just slipped...
i feel like i fell? frustrated, i fell on a pavement? and i got scratched all over, and feeling like... why did this happen? how did this happen? when is it going to end? is there a way out of it? ... then i think... no i'm too lazy to get out of it, i'm fine what, i'm just trudging on in life... no purpose, nothing great just get my diploma and move on...
this is the part where most people would go..." i need a hug " ... hahaha... ummmm, i know i randomly give out mad hugs sometimes... but i think i'm old enough to shrug off a comforting hug... support self emotionally... think i need to do that...
lol! oh thanks samuel for your concern, i was surprised but, that was really nice... hahaha... :P
*sigh* felt good churning it all out... :D hahaha
i don't really thinkg i'm sensitive... or easily hurt... but i think there are people in my life who have major attitudes who rub off on me, and it's very very bad cause i don't know how i react to things, sometimes when they do something to me i may react with a bad attitude or i may not know how to react and end up being insulted and embarrassed...
:: izak blogged @
6:55 AM
